But people say such things because they can't say "oh, you're going to give up in less than 6 months" right to your face. They TRY to be encouraging, but you know it damn well yourself that whether or not the relationship survives is solely up to the two in it.
We've been together for slightly more than a year, and 77% of the time is spent on LDR. Half of it was him in New York, and the other half in London, and the final leg of about 2 years straight starting Sept 2014 will be him in New York. And all of it was me on home ground, sunny island - Singapore.
We were together for about a month and a half, before he flew 9537 miles to NY. At that point of time, I really didn't know what was going to happen, and he kept reassuring me that everything will be okay, and that we would tide through it. I was scared honestly, because it's so uncertain and I've never done this before.... You can imagine the kind of thoughts racing through my head, and for someone who thinks so much, it was crazy.
We were together for about a month and a half, before he flew 9537 miles to NY. At that point of time, I really didn't know what was going to happen, and he kept reassuring me that everything will be okay, and that we would tide through it. I was scared honestly, because it's so uncertain and I've never done this before.... You can imagine the kind of thoughts racing through my head, and for someone who thinks so much, it was crazy.
BUT! About 40 weeks on LDR, I can share a few things that we learnt from it, and how I think it help made our connection to each other stronger, and of course how being together physically in-between really helped us tighten that bond.
(These are my own POV, and not all may agree to it.)
(These are my own POV, and not all may agree to it.)
Almost all my friends were like, how are you going to cope? 12 hours of time difference, when you wake, he is going to bed, when he wakes you are going to bed. Well, not entirely true, in this case compromising is key, and more about that later.
I always tell them that I have to trust him, in whatever he does and say. And take his words to be true. Putting my insecurities aside was a little tough initially, because I didn't understand how exactly he was like in NY (given the different culture), and I am not the prettiest or the sexiest girl around so... yeah you get me.
He knew of my issues and just assured me that everything will be okay, and started sharing with me cute pictures or articles that are related to us/me. It made me feel he is thinking of me even when I'm sleeping :)
In time to come, I was better at trusting him, and having him talk to me even at times when I least expected it, my confidence about myself somehow grew. We were both able to be independent and responsible lovers.
Of course, I cannot stalk his every move, as much as I want to.... And he almost doesn't exist on social media. There was no way to stalk him..... so I actually gave up. I believed that he would share with me about his life in NY, as would I mine. Besides, we text every waking moment we have together, other than class time/meeting time/ busy periods. And we have skype sessions whenever we can. So it all did pan out nicely for the both of us.
These skype sessions can be helluva fun, especially with funny screenshots :D
This would come as a process of learning, and it takes effort from both individuals who want to make it work. Both parties have to learn to trust each other more, and continue to let that trust grow exponentially, and at the same time build that confidence in themselves. LDR somewhat forces the two lovers to be independent, and do their own thing and not relying on the other for little things that can be done alone.
2. Compromising, understanding, committing
Most of the time in long distance relationships, both parties are having totally different lifestyles. And for those in different time zones, it meant doing the same things, but at different timing. Needless to say, much time is needed for both to adjust to this whole new concept. And during that period of adjustment, time just seem to craaaaaaaaawl.
On finding time to talk, and see each other online, both would have to compromise a little, wake up a little earlier, sleep a little later. And while we want people to understand us and give in to us, it would be best if both is able to compromise, and find a comprised but yet still a win-win situation. It isn't always about yourself in a relationship. But I would have to note that while "thinking" for your partners, what you think may be easier for them may not be what they like. Try to understand why your partner is thinking this way, and try to relate. Although it will be tough, all these will pan out nicely and your partner will learn to do the same.
Commitment is something that is essential in every relationship. And being together on LDR kind of assures you that your partner is committed to you, when you see them putting in the effort to skype and share their life. Especially when they give up social gatherings or coming home early and finding ways to talk and hear your voice. You know for sure that they are committed to you.
On finding time to talk, and see each other online, both would have to compromise a little, wake up a little earlier, sleep a little later. And while we want people to understand us and give in to us, it would be best if both is able to compromise, and find a comprised but yet still a win-win situation. It isn't always about yourself in a relationship. But I would have to note that while "thinking" for your partners, what you think may be easier for them may not be what they like. Try to understand why your partner is thinking this way, and try to relate. Although it will be tough, all these will pan out nicely and your partner will learn to do the same.
Seeing and feeling each other making the effort, we feel closer to each other.
And distance again, is just a number.
Commitment is something that is essential in every relationship. And being together on LDR kind of assures you that your partner is committed to you, when you see them putting in the effort to skype and share their life. Especially when they give up social gatherings or coming home early and finding ways to talk and hear your voice. You know for sure that they are committed to you.
3. Better and more effective communication
Talking in terms of text isn't really effective in any sense. This is because you cannot decipher their tone, and their mood. And they can choose to not reply messages and pick up calls when they are angry. Also, in arguments, you may not exactly be in rage mode but your partner may be reading everything in rage mode.
What I've learnt is to clam down and think through what just happened before replying. Of course, I try not to take more than 30 mins unless I am really hurt and need more time to cool down. When we take a break, we think through carefully from both perspective and most importantly keep an open mind and being receptive.
Things have to be laid out on the table, and typed out nicely. (Sarcasm hurts even more in texts somehow.) So the best would be to learn to calm down and talk nicely, preferably on skype or facetime where you can see each other's expression and talk about the issue and ultimately find a solution. This helps even when we are physically together.
But when we are physically together, communication falls through because it got replaced by random musings. So I tried to make it a point to set time aside before bed for a phone call to talk. Or sitting down together at somewhere quiet to talk about how we're feeling, our concerns and plans. These can be just daily thoughts not necessarily "the talk" or anything negative.
Talking about tough issues can be hard face to face, especially when it has been swept under the rug for months. So taking time out and trying to talk and share allows us to feel closer to each other, understand each other more and of course, continue growing together.
4. 'Me' Time and 'Off days'
Having time alone is very important. Sitting down and doing your own thing, and thinking through your life, and making decisions and plans is very important for personal growth. Knowing the amount of common waking hours we have, I can plan my day down, and make time to study, read, and just think about life. And he has his time to do his things too. Afterall, we are all different people with different needs. And me time comes easily on LDR thanks to the time difference.
Off days are times when I can go days without waxing away my hairy legs, and wearing baggy shorts and pyjamas all the time. No need for makeup, and maybe only minimal grooming. Watch movies in bed, eat in bed or wherever you want.
Plus, its okay to feel emotional and all because your lover is a few thousand miles away. People understand that you will feel depressed and sad and lonely, and they let you be that way. There is no need to be presentable and cheery 24/7 all year round!
5. Knowing that the relationship that is more than just physical
Physical touch is part of a relationship, and so is being intimate with each other. And it can get really hard, when we're are so far apart from each other. I crave for his touch, their hugs, cuddles and kisses. And sometimes even his snoring and breath down my neck.
But you know when on LDR, this relationship you share, is more than physical. You share a connection so powerful that distance cannot break. And you got that going for you, and it's comforting knowing that it's more than just physical needs to the relationship.
6. You just appreciate your significant other more, even for the tiniest things they do!
He told me once, that he appreciates me writing emails and sending him cards monthly. And feels very blessed knowing that I am supportive of him through the cards and texts. :)
Old address!
We pick up on the little things that people tend to take for granted. Maybe because we spend little time together, and such tiny things make us feel a little closer, a little more precious.
Never give up on something because it's hard. Nothing worth it ever comes easy.
PS: I'm not saying that we have the perfect LDR and all. But these are just takeaways that I've benefited from. We are still putting in the effort to make things work, trying to communicate and learning to accept each other's differences. The future is unknown and that is what makes life a big surprise :)
PPS: Wonder if I should post more about my life when we're on LDR, and things that I've been doing. So if anyone is reading this, leave a comment and let me know! :)
Here's to more happy times!
K.
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