Reflections & Resolutions

Bidding goodbye to 2014, a roller-coaster ride just like what many others have experienced, was a bitter-sweet moment. This was the year I found courage to pursue what I wanted and also the year where lots of things happened and I got lost and probably depressed for a period of time.

I've been wanting for the new year to come quickly, to properly signify a new start. 2014 is something I would never miss. A turning point in my life probably, but also a year where I learnt lots of life lessons.

2014 started sweetly under fireworks at MBS with ZY. Although I was down with a bad bout of diarrhoea I was hoping for a smacking good year. Ended my intern at Citi (which was really fulfilling) in Feb, and YAY CHINESE NEW YEAR at JB with everyone home. Just like a second Christmas. I couldn't remember a CNY where even Paul was here!

I started countless part time jobs before starting uni. And this was where I lost myself along the way,  while figuring out what I wanted in life and at the same time chasing after someone as though trying to meet countless requirements. I broke down so many times until I stopped doing things all together. I stopped talking to people, I stopped going out, and I questioned every aspect of my life. I even blamed my parents for the life that I had even though I know I should be thankful instead. No one knew what was happening, I was dying inside but put a smile up whenever I walked out of the house. The person I reached out to pushed me away, and told me to "stop being depressed". I guess everyone can see where that got me to. The lack of understanding and support from the person that I reached out to eventually made me withdraw myself from the relationship. I did try but I grew tired of being forgotten and left alone.

Then school started and I started picking myself up. and then I finally lost ZY. it was quite a dark period of time after that but I managed to walk out of it myself. Although many things that were unnecessary happened after that but I tried and took everything in my stride. I lost not just a boyfriend but also a confidante. and on top of that, i lost my bestfriend of 7 years.

But I guess things happened for a reason, and I knew it myself that I do not want to live life feeling like as though I'm being punished for whatever I do, taking the blame on even on things that wasn't my fault. To live life feeling like I have to please people for their acceptance and love. Because love doesn't work this way. And I know I am not happy. (And so was he)

So here is what i never got to say to you, because the feelings of anger clouded our judgement and I am sure you would never read it the way i wanted when you're angry.

Zhang Yi, 

Thank you for loving me because I really felt it. I felt you protecting me and caring for me. You taught me lots of things like how to manage my savings, ideals and how to plan for my future. These are things that were natural to your being but not mine, and I'm sure I've taught you a few things too. You were someone I could rely on and someone I truly cared about. 

I know what was happening in our relationship but I chose to try and not give up because I have invested a lot in it.  I tried to be there for you and as relevant as i can to your life even though you were so far away. But I guess it wasn't enough. Somehow things changed along the way and life happened.  I felt that I was being pushed aside and forgotten and that I was refused when I reached out to you for help. It wasn't entirely your fault though, it was mine too. 

The things you said to me at the end were heartbreaking and mean, but I took it all in. they affected me and I sought to look for what I did wrong. but in the end, I decided to let go because I deserved to be free too. I am fine now, as I know you would be too. And there are no hard feelings. 

You were a great deal to me, and through this I learnt what I wanted in life. I still care about you and I will keep the promise I made to you. I wish you nothing but the best in your life, and may you be successful in whatever you do. Being together with you brought along much experiences that money can't buy. I hope in this new year, things will be smooth sailing and we would have the chance to meet in the US. :) 

//

and to my bestfriend, whom i know will never read this. 

You were a great friend during my teenage years, and things got sour eventually. I reached out to you to make things better but I didn't get a reply. so I guess this marks the end of our friendship. I wish you all the best in your life too, and that you will be able to figure out your life. 

-

2014 was a darker year than the rest. And I hope that I will continue to be strong and take risks because you'll never know what's going to happen. Turning 21 this year, and I am all for doing what I want to. I've been thinking about my resolution and I guess it would be live well, travel more. I really hope that my plans will fall into place and I will never stop learning and to take courage in whatever I do. x

looking everywhere for better opportunities! 

P/S: and to P, thanks for always supporting me all these years. thanks for letting me know that someone really cares about me and loves me for who i am. I guess if life was easier our statuses would be different. hahaha (if you know what i mean) 

Budget Bites: Bacon and Broccoli Pasta

I picked up cooking/baking from YouTube videos, reading recipes and through countless trail and errors. (I still can't cook the perfect white and fluffy jasmine rice :( )

(Ingredients shown in above picture is not for this recipe) 

Cooking only gives two results: 1) Edible 2) Inedible. 

I started cooking as a form of survival and also to stretch the dollar. I honestly don't mind eating the same pasta for 3 days straight. But I kinda found my fire when I turned on the fire (on the stove). Okay... super bad pun. 

The pasta me and the boyf cooked tgt! 

The boyf calls me the 'Pasta Monster'. Because I always cook pasta at home and eat pasta outside. ohhhh the amount of carbs. :/

Anyway, since I'm pinching the penny now to save for my ticket to the boy and etc. I decided to put down the different pasta recipes I create myself and also the amount of money spent on this meal itself! :) 

Now to the recipe!

¼ packet of pasta, approx 50g $0.52 [$2.05 per 200g pkt at Giant]

1 tomato $0.21 [$1.05 for 5 tomatoes at NTUC Fairprice]

½  packet oyster mushroom $0.55 [$1.10 per packet at NTUC Fairprice]

½ broccoli using only the florets $0.53 [$1.07 per whole broccoli at NTUC Fairprice]

3 slices of bacon cut into 1 inch strips vertically $1.50 [$3.95 per packet (8 strips) at NTUC]

2 cloves garlic, minced

1 tsp oil 

½ tsp dried thyme leaves

Salt and pepper to taste

Disclaimer: I won't be listing prices of items that I did not purchase on my own. I just used what was available at home and probably bought by my mum. *free is always good hehe

Preparation time: 10 minutes

Cook time: 5 minutes 

Miscellaneous time: 5 minutes

Total time: 20 minutes

Total cost of meal: $3.31 
It has more ingredients than I normally use, and I eat bacon this time as a treat for myself! and who doesnt love bacon!

Preparation: 

* first bring a pot of water to boil, add a little salt and oil. Once water is boiling rapidly, put the pasta into the water and cook for the amount of time needed.

1) Cut the broccoli up, leaving only the florets and cutting them into smaller pieces or to your liking so that it is easier for them to be cooked. Add broccoli to the pot at the last two minutes of the pasta cooking time. 

2) Dice up the tomato

3) Clean and cut the mushrooms

4) Remove garlic skin and mince them up 

5) Cut bacon strips vertically into 1 inch strips

6) Drain pasta and broccoli in a colander and run under tap water to cool it down

How I cut up my broccoli! 

Cooking: 

1) Heat 1 tsp of oil in the pan 

2) Add garlic in and stir it for awhile, make sure it doesn't burn

3) Add in thyme and let it fry up in the oil for while, before adding in the mushrooms. Fry mushrooms until it has soften and looks a but translucent 

4) Add in diced tomatoes and stir fry them until the tomato has soften and skin starts to separate from the flesh

5) Add some salt and pepper to taste 

6) Put in the bacon strips and continue stirring them until the bacon is cooked through

7) Turn off the heat and add the pasta and broccoli in. 

8) Mix well. and then SERVE! 

As you can see, I normally just stir it for a bit and then leave it there while I do some washing and then come back to stir again. 

I normally squeeze some lemon onto everything i eat because i like then tangy taste and i just love lemons! 

Anyway, as i said, i cook to survive. Some may not agree to my methods of simple cooking, but the main point was how to make a meal that is cheaper than eating out! And I always ensure that my food is cooked through and the process of cooking it is clean so i dont get sick.

P/S: When we on LDR, we always show each other what we cook at home, share tips and recipes and also to get ideas. I guess its the same as cooking and eating together, haha, Sometimes we skype when we are eating and it somewhat feels the same. We're just making the best of what we have right? LDR makes people appreciate things more hehe.

Bon Appetit! 

6 Takeaways of Long Distance Relationships

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder." The very sentence everyone knows or has heard about. It's obnoxious but at the same time comforting to a certain extent. It's a phrase that you can fall back on, keep your faith on it, that things are going to work out.

But people say such things because they can't say "oh, you're going to give up in less than 6 months" right to your face. They TRY to be encouraging, but you know it damn well yourself that whether or not the relationship survives is solely up to the two in it. 

We've been together for slightly more than a year, and 77% of the time is spent on LDR. Half of it was him in New York, and the other half in London, and the final leg of about 2 years straight starting Sept 2014 will be him in New York.  And all of it was me on home ground, sunny island - Singapore.

We were together for about a month and a half, before he flew 9537 miles to NY. At that point of time, I really didn't know what was going to happen, and he kept reassuring me that everything will be okay, and that we would tide through it. I was scared honestly, because it's so uncertain and I've never done this before.... You can imagine the kind of thoughts racing through my head, and for someone who thinks so much, it was crazy. 

BUT! About 40 weeks on LDR, I can share a few things that we learnt from it, and how I think it help made our connection to each other stronger, and of course how being together physically in-between really helped us tighten that bond.
(These are my own POV, and not all may agree to it.)

Long Distance Relationship

Many people think that long distance relationships are hard to keep, or even impossible to embark on. In truth, distance does put strain unto so many forms of human relationships because people are afraid to be “out of sync” with the people they once shared their lives with hand in hand. Time zone differences can confuse and disrupt the little things they once had and held close to their hearts. What happened to calling every night before bedtime… If one party was finished with a day’s worth of work and the other was just ready to start his day?

But I’d like to think that distance isn't just physical distance calculated by the miles and metres. Distance, as elusive as I paint it to be, refers to the spaces created by the heart when it strives to break free and escape from what it once held close to. Every day we are living with distances greater than the physical – We distance ourselves from estranged friends whom we can no longer legitimately care for; we distance ourselves from the causes we used to believe so strongly in; we distance our actions in reality from the big dreams we conceive in our little heads.

What if long distance relationships are actually causes for celebration? Of the momentous joy from surprise letters in the mailbox; of technologically handicapped parents downloading fancy smartphone applications just to hear from you every now and then; of the consolation that someone will always be there for you with open arms back home and that they miss you just as much as you yearn for them. That while everyone is growing at a different pace in a different direction, there will always be a time to pause, rest and reunite.

This is why long distance relationships will always be something beautiful.

Here’s to all who are in the midst of long distance relationships with your family, friends and lovers (and pets). Distance is not a deterrent – It’s determination.

--
 The bf shared this with me, and it really gave me more courage and motivation in this relationship that we both started - that i wanted. i dont regret starting it and putting myself on a ldr, waiting for him to come home to me once or twice a year. he promised that he would keep what he said and put in the effort. and i made promises to myself to, that i wont give up even if the skies are dark. (Jason Marz). Lets see how this pans out.

The Unexpected Meeting

As must as i didnt expect to hear that two of my close friends are talking shit about me behind my back,
i never thought i will get to meet you. through the hectic and ridiculous happenings of 3.1.

although we met in a place where both of us (said we) didnt want to be that day. i dont know if its coincidence or fate. and i feel that whatever happened there doesn't really count. but im glad i followed my intuition and took the offer for you to send me home.

and that's where everything started i guess.
lunch at the cbd area, both of us in formal.
the awkward holding of hands, and then we just couldn't let go.
i don't know why there is this sense of attraction even though you are a man of little words, and me a girl with too much words sometimes.
the silences we have doesn't feel awkward to me at least.
midnight movie that killed us both. leaving us so freaking tired the next day.
"why are you so far away from me"

thursday was bad because we met but we didnt talk. so i guess you were tired.
and then friday after your work. which i thought would be as bad bec we were distant.
but the hours we spent roaming bb felt like minutes.
i didnt even feel the need to hide that i was holding your hand and walking in a place where everyone knows me.

we are bounded by a timeline now. and i dont know how is this going to turn out.
i hope it turns out well because im done with games.

"you dont put love on a scale. you're either in love or not"
im not there yet though, because i dont know where do we go from here.