Reflections & Resolutions

Bidding goodbye to 2014, a roller-coaster ride just like what many others have experienced, was a bitter-sweet moment. This was the year I found courage to pursue what I wanted and also the year where lots of things happened and I got lost and probably depressed for a period of time.

I've been wanting for the new year to come quickly, to properly signify a new start. 2014 is something I would never miss. A turning point in my life probably, but also a year where I learnt lots of life lessons.

2014 started sweetly under fireworks at MBS with ZY. Although I was down with a bad bout of diarrhoea I was hoping for a smacking good year. Ended my intern at Citi (which was really fulfilling) in Feb, and YAY CHINESE NEW YEAR at JB with everyone home. Just like a second Christmas. I couldn't remember a CNY where even Paul was here!

I started countless part time jobs before starting uni. And this was where I lost myself along the way,  while figuring out what I wanted in life and at the same time chasing after someone as though trying to meet countless requirements. I broke down so many times until I stopped doing things all together. I stopped talking to people, I stopped going out, and I questioned every aspect of my life. I even blamed my parents for the life that I had even though I know I should be thankful instead. No one knew what was happening, I was dying inside but put a smile up whenever I walked out of the house. The person I reached out to pushed me away, and told me to "stop being depressed". I guess everyone can see where that got me to. The lack of understanding and support from the person that I reached out to eventually made me withdraw myself from the relationship. I did try but I grew tired of being forgotten and left alone.

Then school started and I started picking myself up. and then I finally lost ZY. it was quite a dark period of time after that but I managed to walk out of it myself. Although many things that were unnecessary happened after that but I tried and took everything in my stride. I lost not just a boyfriend but also a confidante. and on top of that, i lost my bestfriend of 7 years.

But I guess things happened for a reason, and I knew it myself that I do not want to live life feeling like as though I'm being punished for whatever I do, taking the blame on even on things that wasn't my fault. To live life feeling like I have to please people for their acceptance and love. Because love doesn't work this way. And I know I am not happy. (And so was he)

So here is what i never got to say to you, because the feelings of anger clouded our judgement and I am sure you would never read it the way i wanted when you're angry.

Zhang Yi, 

Thank you for loving me because I really felt it. I felt you protecting me and caring for me. You taught me lots of things like how to manage my savings, ideals and how to plan for my future. These are things that were natural to your being but not mine, and I'm sure I've taught you a few things too. You were someone I could rely on and someone I truly cared about. 

I know what was happening in our relationship but I chose to try and not give up because I have invested a lot in it.  I tried to be there for you and as relevant as i can to your life even though you were so far away. But I guess it wasn't enough. Somehow things changed along the way and life happened.  I felt that I was being pushed aside and forgotten and that I was refused when I reached out to you for help. It wasn't entirely your fault though, it was mine too. 

The things you said to me at the end were heartbreaking and mean, but I took it all in. they affected me and I sought to look for what I did wrong. but in the end, I decided to let go because I deserved to be free too. I am fine now, as I know you would be too. And there are no hard feelings. 

You were a great deal to me, and through this I learnt what I wanted in life. I still care about you and I will keep the promise I made to you. I wish you nothing but the best in your life, and may you be successful in whatever you do. Being together with you brought along much experiences that money can't buy. I hope in this new year, things will be smooth sailing and we would have the chance to meet in the US. :) 

//

and to my bestfriend, whom i know will never read this. 

You were a great friend during my teenage years, and things got sour eventually. I reached out to you to make things better but I didn't get a reply. so I guess this marks the end of our friendship. I wish you all the best in your life too, and that you will be able to figure out your life. 

-

2014 was a darker year than the rest. And I hope that I will continue to be strong and take risks because you'll never know what's going to happen. Turning 21 this year, and I am all for doing what I want to. I've been thinking about my resolution and I guess it would be live well, travel more. I really hope that my plans will fall into place and I will never stop learning and to take courage in whatever I do. x

looking everywhere for better opportunities! 

P/S: and to P, thanks for always supporting me all these years. thanks for letting me know that someone really cares about me and loves me for who i am. I guess if life was easier our statuses would be different. hahaha (if you know what i mean) 

Christmas 2014

It's my favourite time of the year again, as well as many others' favourite.

Last year, at this time, things were really different. I was excited to have someone to spend Christmas with for the first time (although not physically). And I actually had plans and cards and etc. 

This Christmas however, everything went back to how it was like the year before. We're all gathered at the family home in the spirit of Christmas. The older generations asking us where's our partners etc. 

I couldn't help but think of him. I mean I was really excited and happy last year. Although for the past 2.5 months we haven't been talking much and had decided to part ways amicably but some things happened. We agreed that we're still friends. So this holiday season I thought about him, wondering how is he. Celebrating with friends with champagne or just a simple meal. Nothing much but just a thought. 

The year is coming to an end. And I am really trying to make my life turn around, do what I can in my capacity to make things better, salvage friendships. 

I know there are things that are really quite impossible to forget but it is possible to quell feelings for such events. 2015 would be a rather happening year if things go as planned. In which I really hope so. Cross my heart and pray to God. 

Whoever is reading this, I wish you success in the coming year and may you set out to achieve whatever that you are made to do. 

Blessed Christmas. X 

December.

December has always been the month I look forward to the most. It is the month where the year finally comes to an end, and the month where it's time to tie up loose ends and make amends, a month that has the best holiday season - CHRISTMAS.

I've been picking myself up over the past two months, trying to focus in school, saving up for exchange. But I realised that I actually don't have people that I can talk to whenever the need arises. I used to have, but now I don't. I have essentially little to no new friends in school that I can hang out with. I find it hard to fit it, I find that I've somehow lost myself along the way. 

Although I've learnt a great deal and changed a lot. and am now trying to focus on exams and getting a substantial job. I feel like there's something missing. Which I don't know what. On good days, such things don't cross my mind. But on other days, it does. 

But well they say you live your life mostly alone, and when you die, you die alone too. I just hope that this 'rough patch' will become a smoother one. And I'm still praying for better days and better outcomes. X

Logical thinking

So the question is, what would logical Kristie do?

We will always tell ourselves a hundred times, a thousand times, a million times that everything will be alright in the end. Good will prevail. It's not wrong, but that is what we tell ourselves to accept whatever bad that is happening to us and not make to move to change things. Logically, I would want myself to be brave, and do something about it. To make my life better, drop things that are not good to me if I can't change it. But somewhere, deep down, all I am thinking is what if? what if it was a wrong move? So I eventually did not do anything about it. Which of course did not help in my predicament.

When things finally got better and though I got hurt in it, I was relieved. I decided to take things as it was and continue living life. But I was afraid that I would be lonely. I dwell in that thought for a few days before finally at my lowest when logical thinking saved me.

All I thought was, why should I be so upset after the situation has ended? I can definitely do better, and I can definitely life live normally again. I can be happy. Life goes on and I am still capable of making decisions myself. Then I decided to let go and move on. Because I felt that there was nothing I could do anyway. Other than being cool about the next phase.

Things did get better, I started being who I am again, until one day things took a wrong turn for unknown reasons.. It took me by surprise, and caused a whirlwind of emotions which was unnecessary just as the whole situation was. But again after some talking to the next most logical person I know, who said "be the better person." I did.

Logical me won again. "Why should I always be the one who gets trampled over?"

I realised that as a person who feels so much, it is really important to regain and find back the self-worth and confidence in myself. Even if making myself look damn good to feel better, I guess finding myself back is super important, and losing myself over something I cannot entirely control is just plain stupid. Pray that I shall continue to take things in my stride, and be a better person.

"Go through dark times and come out even better. "

Here's to looking forward to the future, and continue learning to control my state and environment!
*inhale deeply & exhale. ahhhhh~*

Personality Types

There are countless of personality tests around. So I'm trying the 16 Personalities Factor test!
I've done it once before awhile back, and reading the results let me understand myself better. And since i'm on the road to rediscovery and how to better manage myself and my emotions, no harm trying again!

* taking the test in progress....*

The results are in! im an INFP (introverted, intuitive, feeling, prospecting) 
Variant: Turbulent
Role: Diplomat

Well, the overview says that there is only 4% of us in the world population, and are easily misunderstood. We also choose to believe in the best of everything. We follow a set of morals or principles that we set for ourselves. When we do something, we don't expect any forms of return.

We also tend to drift away from people.

more on here: INFP
-

I guess it is kind of true. I find myself stuck in between social groups. And I don't belong solely in one group. Although i want to be part of the conversation/activities, I tend to drift out and listen more. Maybe it gives the impression that I'm being anti-social. Sometimes I get stuck in this awkward situation where since I am not truly in one, I am left sitting on the bench.

I like the idea of having close friends, friends that I can talk to. That I would listen to their woes even though i have mine. Friends that i would try to understand, and help whenever I can. But I dont like to really share all my deep thoughts and stuff with people, and i keep feelings generalised. Unless I am really close to them. Or at times, there are just too many things going on in my head, that i can't phrase my words properly.

I enjoy spending time alone, like watching a movie or just sitting around or window shopping. time to gather my thoughts and re-think decisions. But I also enjoy having friends around... i'm just weird la maybe.


BUT i guess such things give us an idea to why sometimes we are like that. Even though it might not be a proper explanation. I still believe that each individual is unique and cannot be understood solely based on such tests.


Shall end off with my favourite quote that has many meanings to it. A year ago, I stumbled onto this quote and I thought long and hard about it. And somehow it relates to me.

All that is gold does not glitter; not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither; deep roots are not reached by the frost.

J. R. R. Tolkien

okay, thats all for my friday post.
be kind folks. :)

"Put it in a box, and behind your closet."

i've done half of the above. and i'm wondering what am i going to do with this space. I have an average 2 views per blog post. HAHAHA. I started this as a place to just write about personal feelings and adventures...


been thinking about it for awhile. And I've been told multiple times that I'm too emotional, and I get depressed and withdraw from people easily. So I am wondering if I should share about my life, and how I cope as such a person. So that one fine day someone will read and it helps them in a way. Probably on trying to be self-reliant and all.

it really feels weird though. having to air my thoughts and stuff. but I still think i should have an outlet, and i can't give up writing. (Although i dont really write well....) especially after since not doing it for a really long time. And i feel that writing does let me sort out my thoughts and gives me a chance to reflect while reading back. Downside's that i will get judged. a lot. for this. :/


we shall see. hmm.

Life Update.

It wasn't the distance. It was the people in the relationship.

But I really am focusing more on myself, which is nice. I know I won't be doing this again for at least a year... 

All I know is that if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it. 

"Chin up, girl."