april thus far

I thought I was in control of the things I'm doing. But i know that these things are things that I shouldn't be doing. I put myself at risk and I potentially put others at risk too.

Reckless decisions and all, I finally met someone who made me laugh all the time. That thing we shared at the last moment before you walked through those doors, that is what make me miss you and, there are still so many days left.

I finally understood what he said when I wasn't to cry and be soft. Because those people dont mean it.

April thus far has been a month of reflection, and there are decisions that i must make. however, I sure hope that there would not be much repercussions. and that i would learn to make the right choices.

i know God is with me on this, after a session with a classmate. having backslide-d like mad, i found what he said comforting and reassuring. because He would not want us to do anything bad.

T.dore

I said I cannot promise you the things that I cannot do. But I will try my best to protect myself from people who are like your bad self. To never cry or be hurt by someone else, and to only do things that I want.

You said you saw yourself in my damaged self, in my tears. And part of you don't want to inflict any more hurt on me, but you are pretty sure the other part of you would hurt me. When you made your choice that day, to hold me close while I cry, to let me sleep on your lap while you pat my head gently, I saw the better part of you behind all these mess you created for yourself.

You told me to cry to let it out, even all that has happened isn't my fault. Again, you showed me the side you never wanted to show me. I promised that as your friend too, I would always be here, I would help you if you need, I'll never leave. I hope you remember all the things I said to you too.

I'm really looking forward to see the kind of change we would bring to ourselves, and hopefully the friendship that would never disappear. I let a few tears fall while watching a show, and I immediately thought of you and all the things you said to me. So much feels right there and then. Rather surprised by the power of words you had over me. Hope my had some power over you too.

Till then, bad boy. This is for you.

February!

February is coming to an end. A rather short month I would say. And needless to say, filled with all the unnecessary drama. Though I've learned to cope a little, but there is still this little part of me that is still the same.

There was this divine humor that struck me this month too. Too much to handle really. Many said that it was not my fault, but I somehow let that happen. And I kinda feel sorry. but bros before anything i understand that. :)

February 14, Valentines day. I'll be honest and say that actually, I've never celebrated one, even when I had a boyfriend. So, I kinda freaked out when people did ask me out. And I decided to send HW off to the land down under together with my secondary school mates. Went back to visit old colleagues at the hotel and headed to get some drinks with those mates again.
It was pretty weird that THAT GUY tried all the funny shit on me the day before, but ultimately I don't see myself as being able to communicate with him properly. But well, curiosity killed the cat and I learned a traumatising lesson.

Actually this whole dating again thing has been a bit traumatising, and honestly though, I don't even know how to go about doing all these any more. But I do know that as I grow older I dont have that much time and energy to be so young and reckless.

SO.

CHINESE NEW YEAR. YAY.

CNY was really busyyyyy but i was so glad to be able to meet up with all my relatives. YAY. So so tiring but really, its will worth it :)

Sweet soup for a smacking good year. :) 

Secrets

We all have secrets we'll never tell. Things that we keep from people. In order to protect what we have, in order to live the life we imagined for ourselves. Unexpected things happen all the time.

But these secrets though, they'll always find a way back to taunt us, to remind us of why it is so important to keep that away from people we care about. We may share with others eventually, and have them swear to secrecy. But word gets around.

It's really funny how we do things in the heat of the moment, and swore to keep it a secret. We swore to forget, and swore to never talk about it again. But the thing is, we rarely ever keep our promises to ourselves. We never forget about them, we share with others to lighten our 'load'. But the question is can we really trust them?

on a sidenote, school started and I got shit handed to me on my first day. I can't do anything about it nor can i say anything about. I just keep my mouth shut whenever I'm with people from school now. I feel prey to a girl whom I thought was trustworthy, but she put words into my mouth. So i honestly hope karma gets back to you.

So glad I chose to push away everyone on Vday and spent it with my sec school friends. Friends who watched you grow up, and not judge. Even until now. So glad really. (but weird things really do happen and I guess i make the wrong choices too sometimes)


i'll update again with pictures soon. i hope. x

"Be vulnerable but strong"

It's so tiring, too tiring to even deal with all these unnecessary drama in my life. Right now, at this age. I can't even....

School has started for ONE day, and I have to deal with all these unnecessary shit flung at me. And the worst part is that I don't even have a chance to defend myself. I cannot even say anything about it. They said time will tell, time will show. But this wait is torturous. I have to be present and act like as if I don't know anything, with my reputation and credibility hanging on the line.

I thought I left all these drama when I graduated from Poly but I guess it's quite impossible to do so. Never did I thought that someone would do this to me, even invite me to her own 'territory' to do this. And all I can say to her is just, I hope you have a taste of your own medicine. Karma's a bitch definitely.

Just immature rich kid problems, we commoners cannot relate to. oh well. life.

I honestly hope that things get better and my decision to stay quiet as of now is right.




side note: dealing with too much shit that even though i found out what happened months back did not even affect me. But I definitely hope it stops there and will not get any worse. because it would just damage the reputation of that person. and boy you know how fast words spread.

I guess, if it started the same way it would probably end the same way. What's the point of trying to hard to make things different, trying so hard to be nice to people I am not sure would reciprocate the gesture. What's the point if everything would just be a repetitive and vicious cycle.

I'm just waiting, waiting for school to start so that I can be busy, real busy.

Zero F**ks Given

I want to say that I have changed, that I've been better, that I am doing good. I want to say that I've been brave, I've been trying. I know that I have succeeded in a certain extend in all of those. But I don't have the confidence in myself to tell others because to them it might not be enough. Really though, we should not feel the need to validate ourselves to others. Whatever is it we are doing, we should be doing it for ourselves and not others.

Someone I once knew told me that I should have more confidence in myself. That I should be doing things for myself, to make myself happy and not others.

There are hundreds upon hundreds of videos and articles about why we should not succumb to the forces of society and let them judge the shit out of us. We read and watch, watch and read over and over again, but we never do anything about it. We allow ourselves to be bothered about society's standards and stereotypes because we want to fit in. I admit that I am guilty of it too.

And then there is social media, people only tend to portray the nicer part of their lives. so when you are down and out and you scroll through endless feeds, all you see is 1) food 2) happy couple 3) pets 4) holidays. ALL THE THINGS YOU CAN'T HAVE RIGHT NOW. And again we start to look at our lives and compare it to others.


But why is it that we cannot be satisfied with the lives we currently have? The blessings that we are enjoying? I agree that we should never be too comfortable with our lives because we would plateau and no one wants that. But why do we fail to appreciate the things we have. the simple things, the basics.

I used to be so damn dependent on people around me for validation. If the clothes I'm wearing is nice or in trend, if my make up is on point, how would others judge me for my appearance and even the life that I seem to have. I fear that people would judge me if they knew what was going through my head all the time.  Then I noticed that it was the people who gave zero fucks about what others think that are happier.


ANDDDDD. I tried. I tried being the kind of person who does what I like, as long I can live with it. i.e. whatever that I say or do. And walking down the streets like I am going to kill everyone in my way is kinda fun and addictive. I don't know if it's confidence because no one knows me, and they are going to judge anyway or if I'm really just starting to have more of it in me.


I don't know what is the point of this post and I think its kinda incoherent but I just felt like writing some stuff on such a sucky day. Hate cramps really ;(



oh give no fucks but still be nice when you can. ;)