I've been wanting for the new year to come quickly, to properly signify a new start. 2014 is something I would never miss. A turning point in my life probably, but also a year where I learnt lots of life lessons.
I started countless part time jobs before starting uni. And this was where I lost myself along the way, while figuring out what I wanted in life and at the same time chasing after someone as though trying to meet countless requirements. I broke down so many times until I stopped doing things all together. I stopped talking to people, I stopped going out, and I questioned every aspect of my life. I even blamed my parents for the life that I had even though I know I should be thankful instead. No one knew what was happening, I was dying inside but put a smile up whenever I walked out of the house. The person I reached out to pushed me away, and told me to "stop being depressed". I guess everyone can see where that got me to. The lack of understanding and support from the person that I reached out to eventually made me withdraw myself from the relationship. I did try but I grew tired of being forgotten and left alone.
Then school started and I started picking myself up. and then I finally lost ZY. it was quite a dark period of time after that but I managed to walk out of it myself. Although many things that were unnecessary happened after that but I tried and took everything in my stride. I lost not just a boyfriend but also a confidante. and on top of that, i lost my bestfriend of 7 years.
But I guess things happened for a reason, and I knew it myself that I do not want to live life feeling like as though I'm being punished for whatever I do, taking the blame on even on things that wasn't my fault. To live life feeling like I have to please people for their acceptance and love. Because love doesn't work this way. And I know I am not happy. (And so was he)
So here is what i never got to say to you, because the feelings of anger clouded our judgement and I am sure you would never read it the way i wanted when you're angry.
Zhang Yi,
Thank you for loving me because I really felt it. I felt you protecting me and caring for me. You taught me lots of things like how to manage my savings, ideals and how to plan for my future. These are things that were natural to your being but not mine, and I'm sure I've taught you a few things too. You were someone I could rely on and someone I truly cared about.
I know what was happening in our relationship but I chose to try and not give up because I have invested a lot in it. I tried to be there for you and as relevant as i can to your life even though you were so far away. But I guess it wasn't enough. Somehow things changed along the way and life happened. I felt that I was being pushed aside and forgotten and that I was refused when I reached out to you for help. It wasn't entirely your fault though, it was mine too.
The things you said to me at the end were heartbreaking and mean, but I took it all in. they affected me and I sought to look for what I did wrong. but in the end, I decided to let go because I deserved to be free too. I am fine now, as I know you would be too. And there are no hard feelings.
You were a great deal to me, and through this I learnt what I wanted in life. I still care about you and I will keep the promise I made to you. I wish you nothing but the best in your life, and may you be successful in whatever you do. Being together with you brought along much experiences that money can't buy. I hope in this new year, things will be smooth sailing and we would have the chance to meet in the US. :)
//
and to my bestfriend, whom i know will never read this.
You were a great friend during my teenage years, and things got sour eventually. I reached out to you to make things better but I didn't get a reply. so I guess this marks the end of our friendship. I wish you all the best in your life too, and that you will be able to figure out your life.
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2014 was a darker year than the rest. And I hope that I will continue to be strong and take risks because you'll never know what's going to happen. Turning 21 this year, and I am all for doing what I want to. I've been thinking about my resolution and I guess it would be live well, travel more. I really hope that my plans will fall into place and I will never stop learning and to take courage in whatever I do. x
looking everywhere for better opportunities!
P/S: and to P, thanks for always supporting me all these years. thanks for letting me know that someone really cares about me and loves me for who i am. I guess if life was easier our statuses would be different. hahaha (if you know what i mean)
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