april thus far

I thought I was in control of the things I'm doing. But i know that these things are things that I shouldn't be doing. I put myself at risk and I potentially put others at risk too.

Reckless decisions and all, I finally met someone who made me laugh all the time. That thing we shared at the last moment before you walked through those doors, that is what make me miss you and, there are still so many days left.

I finally understood what he said when I wasn't to cry and be soft. Because those people dont mean it.

April thus far has been a month of reflection, and there are decisions that i must make. however, I sure hope that there would not be much repercussions. and that i would learn to make the right choices.

i know God is with me on this, after a session with a classmate. having backslide-d like mad, i found what he said comforting and reassuring. because He would not want us to do anything bad.

T.dore

I said I cannot promise you the things that I cannot do. But I will try my best to protect myself from people who are like your bad self. To never cry or be hurt by someone else, and to only do things that I want.

You said you saw yourself in my damaged self, in my tears. And part of you don't want to inflict any more hurt on me, but you are pretty sure the other part of you would hurt me. When you made your choice that day, to hold me close while I cry, to let me sleep on your lap while you pat my head gently, I saw the better part of you behind all these mess you created for yourself.

You told me to cry to let it out, even all that has happened isn't my fault. Again, you showed me the side you never wanted to show me. I promised that as your friend too, I would always be here, I would help you if you need, I'll never leave. I hope you remember all the things I said to you too.

I'm really looking forward to see the kind of change we would bring to ourselves, and hopefully the friendship that would never disappear. I let a few tears fall while watching a show, and I immediately thought of you and all the things you said to me. So much feels right there and then. Rather surprised by the power of words you had over me. Hope my had some power over you too.

Till then, bad boy. This is for you.

February!

February is coming to an end. A rather short month I would say. And needless to say, filled with all the unnecessary drama. Though I've learned to cope a little, but there is still this little part of me that is still the same.

There was this divine humor that struck me this month too. Too much to handle really. Many said that it was not my fault, but I somehow let that happen. And I kinda feel sorry. but bros before anything i understand that. :)

February 14, Valentines day. I'll be honest and say that actually, I've never celebrated one, even when I had a boyfriend. So, I kinda freaked out when people did ask me out. And I decided to send HW off to the land down under together with my secondary school mates. Went back to visit old colleagues at the hotel and headed to get some drinks with those mates again.
It was pretty weird that THAT GUY tried all the funny shit on me the day before, but ultimately I don't see myself as being able to communicate with him properly. But well, curiosity killed the cat and I learned a traumatising lesson.

Actually this whole dating again thing has been a bit traumatising, and honestly though, I don't even know how to go about doing all these any more. But I do know that as I grow older I dont have that much time and energy to be so young and reckless.

SO.

CHINESE NEW YEAR. YAY.

CNY was really busyyyyy but i was so glad to be able to meet up with all my relatives. YAY. So so tiring but really, its will worth it :)

Sweet soup for a smacking good year. :) 

Secrets

We all have secrets we'll never tell. Things that we keep from people. In order to protect what we have, in order to live the life we imagined for ourselves. Unexpected things happen all the time.

But these secrets though, they'll always find a way back to taunt us, to remind us of why it is so important to keep that away from people we care about. We may share with others eventually, and have them swear to secrecy. But word gets around.

It's really funny how we do things in the heat of the moment, and swore to keep it a secret. We swore to forget, and swore to never talk about it again. But the thing is, we rarely ever keep our promises to ourselves. We never forget about them, we share with others to lighten our 'load'. But the question is can we really trust them?

on a sidenote, school started and I got shit handed to me on my first day. I can't do anything about it nor can i say anything about. I just keep my mouth shut whenever I'm with people from school now. I feel prey to a girl whom I thought was trustworthy, but she put words into my mouth. So i honestly hope karma gets back to you.

So glad I chose to push away everyone on Vday and spent it with my sec school friends. Friends who watched you grow up, and not judge. Even until now. So glad really. (but weird things really do happen and I guess i make the wrong choices too sometimes)


i'll update again with pictures soon. i hope. x

"Be vulnerable but strong"

It's so tiring, too tiring to even deal with all these unnecessary drama in my life. Right now, at this age. I can't even....

School has started for ONE day, and I have to deal with all these unnecessary shit flung at me. And the worst part is that I don't even have a chance to defend myself. I cannot even say anything about it. They said time will tell, time will show. But this wait is torturous. I have to be present and act like as if I don't know anything, with my reputation and credibility hanging on the line.

I thought I left all these drama when I graduated from Poly but I guess it's quite impossible to do so. Never did I thought that someone would do this to me, even invite me to her own 'territory' to do this. And all I can say to her is just, I hope you have a taste of your own medicine. Karma's a bitch definitely.

Just immature rich kid problems, we commoners cannot relate to. oh well. life.

I honestly hope that things get better and my decision to stay quiet as of now is right.




side note: dealing with too much shit that even though i found out what happened months back did not even affect me. But I definitely hope it stops there and will not get any worse. because it would just damage the reputation of that person. and boy you know how fast words spread.

I guess, if it started the same way it would probably end the same way. What's the point of trying to hard to make things different, trying so hard to be nice to people I am not sure would reciprocate the gesture. What's the point if everything would just be a repetitive and vicious cycle.

I'm just waiting, waiting for school to start so that I can be busy, real busy.

Zero F**ks Given

I want to say that I have changed, that I've been better, that I am doing good. I want to say that I've been brave, I've been trying. I know that I have succeeded in a certain extend in all of those. But I don't have the confidence in myself to tell others because to them it might not be enough. Really though, we should not feel the need to validate ourselves to others. Whatever is it we are doing, we should be doing it for ourselves and not others.

Someone I once knew told me that I should have more confidence in myself. That I should be doing things for myself, to make myself happy and not others.

There are hundreds upon hundreds of videos and articles about why we should not succumb to the forces of society and let them judge the shit out of us. We read and watch, watch and read over and over again, but we never do anything about it. We allow ourselves to be bothered about society's standards and stereotypes because we want to fit in. I admit that I am guilty of it too.

And then there is social media, people only tend to portray the nicer part of their lives. so when you are down and out and you scroll through endless feeds, all you see is 1) food 2) happy couple 3) pets 4) holidays. ALL THE THINGS YOU CAN'T HAVE RIGHT NOW. And again we start to look at our lives and compare it to others.


But why is it that we cannot be satisfied with the lives we currently have? The blessings that we are enjoying? I agree that we should never be too comfortable with our lives because we would plateau and no one wants that. But why do we fail to appreciate the things we have. the simple things, the basics.

I used to be so damn dependent on people around me for validation. If the clothes I'm wearing is nice or in trend, if my make up is on point, how would others judge me for my appearance and even the life that I seem to have. I fear that people would judge me if they knew what was going through my head all the time.  Then I noticed that it was the people who gave zero fucks about what others think that are happier.


ANDDDDD. I tried. I tried being the kind of person who does what I like, as long I can live with it. i.e. whatever that I say or do. And walking down the streets like I am going to kill everyone in my way is kinda fun and addictive. I don't know if it's confidence because no one knows me, and they are going to judge anyway or if I'm really just starting to have more of it in me.


I don't know what is the point of this post and I think its kinda incoherent but I just felt like writing some stuff on such a sucky day. Hate cramps really ;(



oh give no fucks but still be nice when you can. ;)

Fifteen Days.

Many things has happened since 2015 started. The year started on quite a low note, with me with V and some of her really good friends (I know them too though) at a little gathering. I was reflecting my life in 2014 thoroughly, and there are obvious changes that I wanted.

15 days into the new year. I've finished reading two books.... almost planned a holiday trip, and idk what else. Going out with people? This short span of the year hasn't lack in the dramas that my life is unfortunately (or fortunately) filled with. The dilemma of choosing between varying interests of mine, and whether to stay or to leave. Of course both comes with consequences... and I can't decide.
I mean, Geminis are fickle minded.....

I met a really enchanting(?) person of late. although communications with this said persons have ceased. It was honestly too good to be true. How is it possible that I would find someone who indulges in almost the same things as me, who sees the value of quietness and peace, and also understands and agrees to the weird quirks of my mind? The words seem so real and at best comforting and seem so honest. But I often wonder if ill intentions are masked beneath those words. I have learnt the art of injecting poison into every good memory I have so that it will stop being special or hold special meanings. And this skill, I would call it a skill, came in really handy.

We all know what else I've been up to...

Anyways,
I attended a friend's social night on Tuesday... and it brought back so many memories. Meeting old friends at that place and 4 years after being in the same area. I cringed at every time I look at old photos. what in the world was i wearing? i went to an event that meant something to people looking like that???? I can't even smile properly!  So yea, those thoughts. Although I have grown considerably over the years both mentally and physically.... more horizontally physically too. but HAHA.

I knew this friend 10 years ago. and we weren't close that many years ago. No contact until during poly days where I coincidentally saw him again in the club. and at first the was back view. and all I thought was "walao who this tall idiot keep bang my head".  Then we rarely ever kept in contact. Until just recently when he asked for my help. Help to eat and act nice, my forte, so what's there to reject?

And then I saw A there, he was always nice. Until he made a joke to what happened. An event that changed my life two years ago. How time flies isn't? So coincidental that when my life was about to fall apart someone stepped in and pulled me out. But this time I walked out of the rubble myself. I bet we've all matured and grown out of our childish ways. Which I am really glad we did.

Thinking if i should post the one 4 years ago... I still remember how I froze when he put his hand on the small of my back then. SO awkward.

.
.
.

BUT NO. I SHALL NOT.

B&W for that timeless feel... HAHAHA. 

All the best boys for your future in protecting this land we call home. 

okay, a really small one.... but, what can you expect from a 16 year old??

I find it so hard to find the correct angle when taking pictures with people. I'm internally afraid that they would judge me for taking so long to take a picture HAHHA.


meanwhile, be nice! 

XX

Too good to be true.

"I almost did not want to leave and go to sleep. Because you seemed too good to be true. Almost like a dream. Never have I met someone so close to my imagination. But maybe it is just a dream, a dream that I will travel back to often to relive the moment over and over again."

Reflections & Resolutions

Bidding goodbye to 2014, a roller-coaster ride just like what many others have experienced, was a bitter-sweet moment. This was the year I found courage to pursue what I wanted and also the year where lots of things happened and I got lost and probably depressed for a period of time.

I've been wanting for the new year to come quickly, to properly signify a new start. 2014 is something I would never miss. A turning point in my life probably, but also a year where I learnt lots of life lessons.

2014 started sweetly under fireworks at MBS with ZY. Although I was down with a bad bout of diarrhoea I was hoping for a smacking good year. Ended my intern at Citi (which was really fulfilling) in Feb, and YAY CHINESE NEW YEAR at JB with everyone home. Just like a second Christmas. I couldn't remember a CNY where even Paul was here!

I started countless part time jobs before starting uni. And this was where I lost myself along the way,  while figuring out what I wanted in life and at the same time chasing after someone as though trying to meet countless requirements. I broke down so many times until I stopped doing things all together. I stopped talking to people, I stopped going out, and I questioned every aspect of my life. I even blamed my parents for the life that I had even though I know I should be thankful instead. No one knew what was happening, I was dying inside but put a smile up whenever I walked out of the house. The person I reached out to pushed me away, and told me to "stop being depressed". I guess everyone can see where that got me to. The lack of understanding and support from the person that I reached out to eventually made me withdraw myself from the relationship. I did try but I grew tired of being forgotten and left alone.

Then school started and I started picking myself up. and then I finally lost ZY. it was quite a dark period of time after that but I managed to walk out of it myself. Although many things that were unnecessary happened after that but I tried and took everything in my stride. I lost not just a boyfriend but also a confidante. and on top of that, i lost my bestfriend of 7 years.

But I guess things happened for a reason, and I knew it myself that I do not want to live life feeling like as though I'm being punished for whatever I do, taking the blame on even on things that wasn't my fault. To live life feeling like I have to please people for their acceptance and love. Because love doesn't work this way. And I know I am not happy. (And so was he)

So here is what i never got to say to you, because the feelings of anger clouded our judgement and I am sure you would never read it the way i wanted when you're angry.

Zhang Yi, 

Thank you for loving me because I really felt it. I felt you protecting me and caring for me. You taught me lots of things like how to manage my savings, ideals and how to plan for my future. These are things that were natural to your being but not mine, and I'm sure I've taught you a few things too. You were someone I could rely on and someone I truly cared about. 

I know what was happening in our relationship but I chose to try and not give up because I have invested a lot in it.  I tried to be there for you and as relevant as i can to your life even though you were so far away. But I guess it wasn't enough. Somehow things changed along the way and life happened.  I felt that I was being pushed aside and forgotten and that I was refused when I reached out to you for help. It wasn't entirely your fault though, it was mine too. 

The things you said to me at the end were heartbreaking and mean, but I took it all in. they affected me and I sought to look for what I did wrong. but in the end, I decided to let go because I deserved to be free too. I am fine now, as I know you would be too. And there are no hard feelings. 

You were a great deal to me, and through this I learnt what I wanted in life. I still care about you and I will keep the promise I made to you. I wish you nothing but the best in your life, and may you be successful in whatever you do. Being together with you brought along much experiences that money can't buy. I hope in this new year, things will be smooth sailing and we would have the chance to meet in the US. :) 

//

and to my bestfriend, whom i know will never read this. 

You were a great friend during my teenage years, and things got sour eventually. I reached out to you to make things better but I didn't get a reply. so I guess this marks the end of our friendship. I wish you all the best in your life too, and that you will be able to figure out your life. 

-

2014 was a darker year than the rest. And I hope that I will continue to be strong and take risks because you'll never know what's going to happen. Turning 21 this year, and I am all for doing what I want to. I've been thinking about my resolution and I guess it would be live well, travel more. I really hope that my plans will fall into place and I will never stop learning and to take courage in whatever I do. x

looking everywhere for better opportunities! 

P/S: and to P, thanks for always supporting me all these years. thanks for letting me know that someone really cares about me and loves me for who i am. I guess if life was easier our statuses would be different. hahaha (if you know what i mean)